When we observe the atrocities committed by terrorists such as those of ISIS or note the continuing string of mass shootings in our churches, schools and other public places, we often ask “Where is God while this is going on?” or “Why does God allow so much evil in the world?”. The answer, however, lies within us and not with God. We should be asking “Why do WE allow so much evil in this world?”. After all, God created humankind with free will, the ability to make choices. And why would he do that? Perhaps because he loves us deeply and wants us to love him in return and he knows that we cannot truly love someone (that is fully commit ourselves to them) unless we have the ability to choose whether to do so or not. If we were compelled to love God our love would not be true love. And perhaps also because God knew that we could not really appreciate goodness unless we had experienced evil.

So God placed Adam and Eve in an idyllic garden in the midst of which was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and told them not to eat of its fruit, because if they did they would die. He wasn’t saying that if they ate of the fruit he would kill them. He was warning them that if they did, it would kill them. (He of course knew all along what would happen and set in motion a plan to restore them to life.)

All was well as Adam and Eve enjoyed an intimate fellowship with God there in Eden, remaining innocent children, fully obedient to their heavenly father. Until, that is, the snake told them that God wasn’t being honest with them, because he knew that they wouldn’t die from eating the fruit, but would become like God himself. It was a bald faced lie, of course, a lie that we still too often believe, that if we become knowledgeable enough we can become godlike. And so, sure enough, they ate of the fruit and suddenly lost their innocence, becoming ashamed of their nakedness. And they became estranged from God, hiding from him in fear. Not wanting them to then be able to eat of the tree of life and so live in this condition forever he then banished them from the garden. In essence he kicked them out of home and told them they would have to fend for themselves from now on. They had made a decision to disregard his advice, so now they should use their newfound knowledge of good and evil to make their own decisions. He of course would still be available to counsel them if they asked him to, but it was entirely up to them.

Within one generation mankind experienced jealousy that led to hatred and murder and a journey began that has continued to this day, plumbing the depths of evil and depravity, as well as soaring to heights of goodness expressed in love for others, sometimes including self-sacrifice to the point of dying so others can live. And because God’s plan was executed in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we have also discovered that we can be born anew into eternal life and enjoy fellowship with God once again. However, choices between good and evil remain with us. We make them every day of our lives.

So when evil occurs we can either blame God, absolving ourselves thereby of responsibility. Or we can ask, “Why does mankind allow such evil to exist?”, still absolving ourselves of responsibility. Or better yet, we can ask “Why do I allow such evil to exist?”. As Rabbi Lawrence Kushner says in his book “God was in this Place and I, i did not know”:

“God’s ubiquity (omnipresence) does not mean that God is therefore in the business of causing, intending, or even tolerating human misery. Correcting those things is the business of human beings. That is why God made human beings in the first place.”

I have written before about giving thanks always for all things (https://spiritual-entrepreneurship.com/category/mythoughts/page/3/) but I have recently been faced with another challenge to that with my wife Mary’s passing in December. Although I have recognized that she is still with me in spirit (https://spiritual-entrepreneurship.com/2018/03/10/) and that life goes on for me (https://spiritual-entrepreneurship.com/2018/02/06/), I am still in the process of accepting, with thanksgiving, this new phase of my life. We were recently counseled in the grief group I participate in that we should relinquish our grasp on the past (or rather that the past has on us) in order to reach out to the potential for new relationships (and, I would add, new adventures). As we discussed, this does not need to be immediate, or as they say “cold turkey”, but it does eventually need to be complete. In other words, we need to be unbound from the past and let go to the present and the future.

Now I relinquished my responsibility for caring for Mary’s well-being and needs when I realized it was time to let her go. That happened when the doctors at the hospital on her final visit informed me she had told them she was “ready to meet her Maker”. It was not easy for me after having borne that responsibility for over 54 years, but I realized it was in her best interest to be in the presence of Jesus, so I let her go. I was able to accept the reality of this, and with thanksgiving that her pain and suffering were over. I have not, however, relinquished my memories of our life together, and frankly do not believe that is possible, or even necessary for that matter.

I now am beginning to realize that I must relinquish any wishful or wistful thoughts about a prolonging of my life with Mary. That time, as wonderful as it was, is passed. There is no turning back the clock. That means that I must fully accept my present circumstances for what they are, as well as whatever glimpses I have of what the future may hold. That is the reality of my life. And as the days go by I am finding I can do that with thanksgiving. New vistas are beginning to open before me that promise challenging and exciting opportunities. I am beginning to appreciate what the Apostle Paul meant when he said “For I would that all men were even as I myself.” because he no longer had (if he ever did) any responsibility for a wife and family and was free to go wherever God led him and to do whatever God asked him to do.

So I am increasingly thankful to be at a similar point in my life where I will be able to experience whatever adventures God may have in store for me with nothing to hold me back. As I grow nearer to the finish line of my life I want to be able to say that I expended my last ounce of energy and my last breath fulfilling my God-ordained destiny. After all, as has been said “”Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body,but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming — WOW– What a Ride!”

I am now beginning to realize the vast difference between trials and tribulations and loss. In this life we all experience trials and tribulations. It is, unfortunately, a normal and expected part of life. Although for some of us these can be quite severe and traumatic, for most of us they are troublesome, but not life changing. For instance, my wife Mary and I encountered trials and tribulations throughout our 54 years together. These occurred continually, but not continuously; that is, they were not constant, but recurring. As I have described before, Mary dealt with health problems all of her life, beginning in her teenage years and continuing until her passing into God’s eternal kingdom last December. These I consider to be tribulations, things that were disturbing and over which we had no control. We learned to live with them, however, knowing that God had control of our situation and would bring us through, which he did every time. Even her eventual passing away was a blessing in that she was finally relieved of all her maladies and ushered into a realm where sin, sickness and death do not exist.

As to trials, we also encountered many of those. Some were to be expected, as we attempted to combine two people with very different backgrounds and temperaments, as well as skill sets and interests, into a unified relationship know as marriage. Fortunately God led us in a way that proved to be mutually advantageous for both of us, and which allowed us both to utilize our gifts and talents to pursue our dreams and achieve fulfillment. In the process, however, we were presented with many challenges which required us to make sometimes difficult decisions and created trials of our faith and patience as a result of those decisions. Once again, though, God provided us with a way through them, sometimes bearing scars, but always ultimately with a deeper understanding of God’s will for us and a greater appreciation of his loving care for us.

Now in all of these experiences there was one constant factor. Mary and I always experienced these trials and tribulations together. The decisions we made were always joint decisions. And everything we experienced, we experienced together. The end result of each one was a deeper love and appreciation for each other and for God. All of this changed, however, when Mary passed away.

I am still trying to deal with the great difference my loss of her has occasioned. Unlike all of our previous experiences, this one is completely irreversible and final. I will never again see her, hold her or gain insight from her wisdom in this life. The thought of that would be unbearable if I did not have the sure knowledge that our relationship will resume when I, too, enter the eternal kingdom, although in different form. That hope somewhat mitigates the pain of my loss. But it does not alleviate me of my present dilemma. I must continue on in life, facing whatever trials and tribulations may come, without her companionship and support. I must make decisions on my own without her sage advice. The positive aspect of this is that I am learning to listen more constantly and attentively to the Holy Spirit and I am ever more aware of God’s never failing presence with me every moment of every day.

Nevertheless my loss of Mary has proven to be much more traumatic than any of the previous trials and tribulation that we shared. That has proven to be a vast difference.